@hpb777

A fun way to find bleach in your coffee is to tell me I’m turning into my mother.

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@ddsmidt

Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.

@SondraDeeMe

Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!

Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.

@asaltiercorpse

Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!

Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.

@WheelTod

It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.

@DadandBuried

Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.

@Phook75

People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had two Kit Kats fall out of a vending machine

@caaataclysm

Walk of shame?? More like, walk of don’t judge ME because YOU didn’t get laid last night.

@Mirimade

Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?

Daughter: YES!

Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?

Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!

Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?

Daughter: Yes!

Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?

@SteveMathew_

When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.

@daddydoubts

My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.