A fun way to find bleach in your coffee is to tell me I’m turning into my mother.

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Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.


Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!

Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.


Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!

Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.


It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.


Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.


People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had two Kit Kats fall out of a vending machine


Walk of shame?? More like, walk of don’t judge ME because YOU didn’t get laid last night.


Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?

Daughter: YES!

Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?

Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!

Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?

Daughter: Yes!

Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?


When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.


My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.