A fun way to find bleach in your coffee is to tell me I’m turning into my mother.

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If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.


Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.

In that case, silence is very very suspicious!


If I were Luke Skywalker it would have taken me about six minutes to turn R2-D2 into a bong.


Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid

Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-

Me: the bottom half

Waiter: very good, sir


[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt


Someday I’m gonna miss this place. I can’t wait for that day


So far I’ve gained 20 pounds of pure muscle. It used to belong to pigs though, and something got lost in translation


“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.