@hpb777

A fun way to find bleach in your coffee is to tell me I’m turning into my mother.

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@3sunzzz

If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.

@Book_Krazy

Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.

In that case, silence is very very suspicious!

@johngaysee

If I were Luke Skywalker it would have taken me about six minutes to turn R2-D2 into a bong.

@JeffisTallguy

Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid

Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-

Me: the bottom half

Waiter: very good, sir

@CornOnTheGoblin

[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt

@tsm560

Someday I’m gonna miss this place. I can’t wait for that day

@portmanteauface

So far I’ve gained 20 pounds of pure muscle. It used to belong to pigs though, and something got lost in translation

@GingerGander

“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.