how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
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Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
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