A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.

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My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me


“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”


The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.


My 13yo just dumped his girlfriend and now he’s attempting to get his hoodie back. He’s in for one hell of a life lesson.


Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!

[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]


My mom: [sighs]


People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse


my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music


Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets


Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.