A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
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SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
i spent way too long on this
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
A completely valid reaction tbh
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”