@Dawn_M_

A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.

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@MelvinofYork

My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me

@bea_ker

“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”

@papasuncle

The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.

@TheMichaelRock

My 13yo just dumped his girlfriend and now he’s attempting to get his hoodie back. He’s in for one hell of a life lesson.

@HomeWithPeanut

Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!

[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]

HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??

My mom: [sighs]

@MarkAgee

People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse

@roboticcrab

my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music

@jenniferemorrow

Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets

@PFitzpa

Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.