Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
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Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
Thesaurus was the first dinosaur to get murdered. No one likes a know it all.
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.