Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
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ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
if u think men are tougher than women then u don’t realize that every day women all over are taking showers with the water temperature set to exploding sun and actually enjoying it
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
6yo: MAY THE FORCE BE WITH YOU
8yo: AND ALSO WITH YOU
When their Star Wars obsession mixes with that time Nana took them to Catholic mass.
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline