@Dawn_M_

A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.

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@UncleDuke1969

Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.

@KickSumHunibuns

{On Tinder}

ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please

@WheelTod

I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill

@SpenceDen

If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.

@ManInTheHoody

if u think men are tougher than women then u don’t realize that every day women all over are taking showers with the water temperature set to exploding sun and actually enjoying it

@BuckyIsotope

JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*

@Ygrene

Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on

@ValeeGrrl

6yo: MAY THE FORCE BE WITH YOU

8yo: AND ALSO WITH YOU

When their Star Wars obsession mixes with that time Nana took them to Catholic mass.

@DanMentos

“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline