@SufficientCharm

A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.

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@blondecalamity

My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.

@WheelTod

Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.

@blasphe_me

I guess it’s not socially acceptable to put my hand in the shape of a gun into my mouth in the middle of a conversation.

@TheMichaelRock

*catches 4yo putting on deodorant*

Me: What are you doing?

4yo: Feeding my armpits.

Me….as you were.

@CubanaMama82

If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.

@LostFelicia

The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.

@thepaulahunt

Person 1: You should do Yoga.

Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.

Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.

@AndyAsAdjective

wife: are you drunk?

me: define “drunk”

w: impaired by an excess of alcohol

m: define “excess”

w: yeah, you’re drunk

m: define “you’re”