I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
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My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
I guess it’s not socially acceptable to put my hand in the shape of a gun into my mouth in the middle of a conversation.
*catches 4yo putting on deodorant*
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: Feeding my armpits.
Me….as you were.
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
14yo: Have you ever smoked marijuana?
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”