A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
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One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”