@KalvinMacleod

A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.

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@Pork_Chop_Hair

“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.

@SaltyCorpse

This guy in this waiting room is talking to me.

I’m gonna marry him so he’ll leave me alone.

@jgreg7707

When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.

To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.

@fro_vo

Mulder: someone in this room is an alien
Scully: look for anything out of the ordinary
Me: *drinking hot orange juice* like what

@TheToddWilliams

You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan

@UnFitz

*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*

@rolldiggity

I bet other insects hate it when they ask a caterpillar how she became a butterfly, and she’s all, “Just diet and exercise, guys!”

@FrenulumBreve

[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”

@Kelly_skeleton

Asked my daughter to get me a glass of water & she brought me a glass of wine….she’s either Jesus or I gotta remember the lies I tell her