A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.

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Kill them with kindness. Stab them in the heart with a puppy


Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.


I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”


I bought shampoo for “badly behaved” hair. So relieved my hair will finally stop robbing banks and terrorising old ladies.


[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar


Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then? nnHe replied….chicken.nnnThank god he is good looking.


me: i got into harvard!

cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know