A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.

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“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.


This guy in this waiting room is talking to me.

I’m gonna marry him so he’ll leave me alone.


When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.

To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.


Mulder: someone in this room is an alien
Scully: look for anything out of the ordinary
Me: *drinking hot orange juice* like what


You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan


*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*


I bet other insects hate it when they ask a caterpillar how she became a butterfly, and she’s all, “Just diet and exercise, guys!”


[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”


Asked my daughter to get me a glass of water & she brought me a glass of wine….she’s either Jesus or I gotta remember the lies I tell her