A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
You Might Also Like
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
I am patiently waiting for your email
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
Has there ever been a more American story?
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.