A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
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A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
scrabbled eggs
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
True?
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
me and the Superbowl rn
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?