@WittySassBasket

A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.

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@KalvinMacleod

I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.

@juliussharpe

Dating is basically lying to women about how you like to travel.

@HenpeckedHal

When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.

@sonictyrant

HORSE: *walks up to the bar*

ME [THE BARTENDER] : So, *raises an eyebrow* why the long face ?

HORSE: Oh *removes Nic Cage mask* Sorry

@monst1ace

Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol

@alexlumaga

*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*

me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*

@c12h22o11balls

Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent

Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc

@mkpaulsen

My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs

@Henry_3k

My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.