A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.

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I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.


Dating is basically lying to women about how you like to travel.


When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.


HORSE: *walks up to the bar*

ME [THE BARTENDER] : So, *raises an eyebrow* why the long face ?

HORSE: Oh *removes Nic Cage mask* Sorry


Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol


*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*

me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*


Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent

Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc


My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs


My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.