[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
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The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.