a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
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My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”