Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
A gaggle of geese. A murder of crows. A nope of laundry.
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[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
Meanwhile, at the bar:
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
I hate when people decide to come over and I have to put a bra back on.
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
My quarantine routine:
7 AM: (wake me up)
8 AM: wake me up inside
9 AM: (I can’t wake up)
3 PM: wake me up inside
4 PM: (SAAAAVE ME)
5 PM: CALL MY NAME AND SAAAAVE ME FROM THE DARK
6 PM: Pesto pasta, again