@junkyard_jake

A gaggle of geese. A murder of crows. A nope of laundry.

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@gobmentcheese

Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.

@dafloydsta

[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”

@Ndeshi_M

Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!

@Reverend_Scott

Meanwhile, at the bar:

Batman: “Whisky.”

Aquaman: “Appletini.”

“WHAT?”

“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”

“You’re off the Justice League.”

@FlyoverJoel

The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.

@DothTheDoth

Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.

@YuckyTom

there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”

@lisaxy424

[at work]

me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME

me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die

@G00K0

My quarantine routine:

7 AM: (wake me up)

8 AM: wake me up inside

9 AM: (I can’t wake up)

3 PM: wake me up inside

4 PM: (SAAAAVE ME)

5 PM: CALL MY NAME AND SAAAAVE ME FROM THE DARK

6 PM: Pesto pasta, again