A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
You Might Also Like
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?