When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
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Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
12653.
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.