[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
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Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.