My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
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Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?