@ieatanddrink

A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth

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@TragicAllyHere

If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard

*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*

@ClassADude

Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?

Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.

Wife: You want to run a business?

Me: Business?

@ShivangiJha08

9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face

@Audenary

DUMBLEDORE: Who’s brought evil into Hogwarts?

HARRY: I think it’s Malfoy, professor!

DARK MYSTERIOUS NEW TEACHER: Oh come on

@ScottLinnen

Slow down in those corduroy pants. You’ll ignite a bush fire.

@juliussharpe

People with Bluetooth headsets always look like the least important people you could possibly call.

@KeetPotato

i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”

@smerobin

Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.

@sensual_dad

[watching the avengers with my wife]

(scene where the hulk appears)

me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek

@CornOnTheGoblin

my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?