@ieatanddrink

A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth

A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth

- @ieatanddrink

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@TheAlexNevil

*first day as a conductor

“Tickets, please”

*the orchestra is confused

@LackOfShame

“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”

– Toddlers

@Pro_Jones_

(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vows

Wife: *recites beautiful vows*

Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount

@TheBoydP

Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.

@causticbob

I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.

@badbanana

Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.

@MythicPicnic

I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous

@MarfSalvador

Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were

@onion_an

Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant

Me: Oh my god

[later that day]

Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk