A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
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Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.