[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
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My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
why would tinder want me to say this
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday