A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
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“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
(Musicians.)
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.