Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
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My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
“The princess dies. And then the people trying to save her die. Dragon guarding the castle? Dead”
– Bedtime at George R.R. Martin’s house
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
I use to bleach my bangs so I know about regret.
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
I only buy stuff I need on Amazon.
*Opens new metal detector*
1. Tattoo “I’M WATCHING YOU” on your shaved head.
2. Grow hair and wait for daughter’s boyfriend to come over.
3. Shave head in front of him
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.