A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves

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*weigh myself*
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…


Me: I really think we should hide the body

Pallbearer: Again, that is not how any of this works


Her: You like shopping?

Me: Oh god yes!

Her: What’s your favorite place?

Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!


You have beautiful eyes.
Too bad they’re attached to the head of a stark raving lunatic.


The recent fake excitement of soccer in the U.S. confirms my belief that Americans will pretend to like anything they can scream USA about.


You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac


Little known fact:

Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.


Happy that I paid $ for a gym membership to exercise the little neuron in my brain that argues whether I should go to the gym every day


Me: I hate it, but we’re going to have to cut payroll. I’ll tell the kids which ones were letting go.
The wife: