Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
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It’s just like the old saying goes… the family that plays games together – doesn’t speak to each other for the rest of the night
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
You haven’t built just a wall around you; you’ve constructed a bomb shelter inside a nuclear bunker set into the side of a mountain.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world