A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
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no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics