@NrouteHQ

A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves

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@fouadelbatrawi

Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.

@divergentmama

It’s just like the old saying goes… the family that plays games together – doesn’t speak to each other for the rest of the night

@Adam__Melia

My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.

@TravLeBlanc

If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.

@JasonLastname

Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok

@Michael1979

Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record

@ThisOneSayz

People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.

@4boding

You haven’t built just a wall around you; you’ve constructed a bomb shelter inside a nuclear bunker set into the side of a mountain.

@envydatropic

*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*

Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world