@NrouteHQ

A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves

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@garrydavenport

*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…

@BoogTweets

Me: I really think we should hide the body

Pallbearer: Again, that is not how any of this works

@Be___Dope

Her: You like shopping?

Me: Oh god yes!

Her: What’s your favorite place?

Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!

@LinajkReturns

You have beautiful eyes.
Too bad they’re attached to the head of a stark raving lunatic.

@farleftcoast

The recent fake excitement of soccer in the U.S. confirms my belief that Americans will pretend to like anything they can scream USA about.

@bornmiserable

You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac

@PetrickSara

Little known fact:

Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.

@karencheee

Happy that I paid $ for a gym membership to exercise the little neuron in my brain that argues whether I should go to the gym every day

@a_simpl_man

Me: I hate it, but we’re going to have to cut payroll. I’ll tell the kids which ones were letting go.
The wife: