A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
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Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking