@QwertyJones3

A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.

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@batkaren

“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.

“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.

“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”

@Mister_Burnham

A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.

@Reverend_Scott

DOG 911: What’s your emer-

DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE

DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?

DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

@JPHaddadio

When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.

@JermHimselfish

The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep

@human_not_bees

Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.

@dadofbieber

Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.

@SamGrittner

Every horse you’ve ever seen has two people inside them. Horses aren’t real. Commitment is.