“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
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A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
ME AT 15: [listening to blink] work sucks, i know
ME AT 25: i didn’t know
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
Every horse you’ve ever seen has two people inside them. Horses aren’t real. Commitment is.