[a girl favs my tweet]
[goes to pharmacy]
one condom please

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*speed dating*

Her: What do you do for a living

Me: I’m a truck driver

Her: …oh…

Me: A food truck driver

Her: here’s my number


I grew up in a time where your mothers saliva was the most powerful cleaning agent around.


Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.


But baby, if you didn’t want me climbing in your window, why’d you leave the ladder in the garage behind the workbench chained to the beam?


I put a Samsung Galaxy Note 7 inside a Samsung washing machine and now I own a nuclear warhead.


[on a date]
Okay don’t let her know you’re a cat fanatic.
Her: Is that a live kitten on your shoulder?


I told my 3 year old that Skittles are Care Bear meat and now I have the bag to myself.


My neighbor gave my kid a whistle today.

He is survived by his wife Linda.
In lieu of flowers, donations can be made to my bail money fund.


ME: were you paying attention to anything I said?

9 YEAR OLD: I don’t even pay attention to anything I say.


coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what