I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
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*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
The Backseat Boys
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
Whoa 😂
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.