@ruinedpicnic

[a girl favs my tweet]
[goes to pharmacy]
one condom please

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@dugglebutt

*speed dating*

Her: What do you do for a living

Me: I’m a truck driver

Her: …oh…

Me: A food truck driver

Her: here’s my number

@Angrytrashman

I grew up in a time where your mothers saliva was the most powerful cleaning agent around.

@_sweet_ham

Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.

@Papa_Mex

But baby, if you didn’t want me climbing in your window, why’d you leave the ladder in the garage behind the workbench chained to the beam?

@TheMichaelRock

I put a Samsung Galaxy Note 7 inside a Samsung washing machine and now I own a nuclear warhead.

@TheCatWhisprer

[on a date]
Okay don’t let her know you’re a cat fanatic.
Her: Is that a live kitten on your shoulder?
Me: HE’S JUST A FRIEND.

@samfromks

I told my 3 year old that Skittles are Care Bear meat and now I have the bag to myself.

@SteveSackington

My neighbor gave my kid a whistle today.

He is survived by his wife Linda.
In lieu of flowers, donations can be made to my bail money fund.

@iinkedZombie

ME: were you paying attention to anything I said?

9 YEAR OLD: I don’t even pay attention to anything I say.

@murrman5

coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what