Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
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I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
#gardening
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.