QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
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just gonna leave this here
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE BEING TURNED INTO GRILLED CHEESE SANDWICHES RIGHT NOW!
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my report
What I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
My favorite thing to do at the library is leave browser tabs open with search results for “best way to clean vomit off a keyboard??”