@daynamcalpine_

a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists

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@TheToddWilliams

[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it

[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?

@XplodingUnicorn

[out to eat with in-laws]

Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne

Wife: Hey these are my parents

Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water

@IGotsSmarts

HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE BEING TURNED INTO GRILLED CHEESE SANDWICHES RIGHT NOW!

@GrantTanaka

wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working

@cdpeck

I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.

@JustUnstableMe

Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my report

What I imagine it’d be like if I had a job

@Moemontes

My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.

@peachesanscream

Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.

@cee_ryan

My favorite thing to do at the library is leave browser tabs open with search results for “best way to clean vomit off a keyboard??”