a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
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mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
Adultry does not sound fun at all
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower