A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
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“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
A new level of troll.
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
new record!