A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
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Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
Meanwhile in Portland…
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
calling in to work dehydrated
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…