A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
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My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
can I use a minion as a tampon
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting