PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
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My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?