sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
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I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?