@hellohappy_time

A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this

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@charliedelta7

I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.

@castawaykristen

Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.

@mc_funbags

I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.

@UnFitz

[breakfast]

Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.

Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.

@jonnysun

JESUS: everyone loves me
GABRIEL: wat about judas
GOD: o snap
JESUS: dad
GOD: u’ve just been…
JESUS: dont do this
GOD: TOUCHÉD BY AN ANGEL

@Cllnsn

Fave bit of the Breaking Bad finale is when Ross is like “DID SHE GET OFF THE METH?” and then Rachel shows up and says “I got off the meth.”

@WheelTod

At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground

@TheAndrewNadeau

BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*

GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*

BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.

@kirahesser

Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.