@hellohappy_time

A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this

You Might Also Like

@Pork_Chop_Hair

If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.

@GABBYdaAngSaya

Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now

@TheNuttyKiwi

When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself

” What would Homer Simpson do?”

@ChrisHallbeck

Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”

@Jake_Vig

I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.

@freypalm

My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…

Me: Go on.

My dad:

Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.

@ArfMeasures

Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*

Priest:

Me:

Priest: Look she might come back

@SatansTongue

6th grade nurse: do you play baseball
Me: uhh why
Nurse: your right arm is so much stronger than-
Me: oh yeah! Yeah I play baseball so much

@WillGeorgese

“Relax. It’s not a competition.”
“Right. That’s what I say.”
“But I said it first.”