A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
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every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”