A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this

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If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.


Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now


When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself

” What would Homer Simpson do?”


Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”


I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.


My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…

Me: Go on.

My dad:

Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.


Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*



Priest: Look she might come back


6th grade nurse: do you play baseball
Me: uhh why
Nurse: your right arm is so much stronger than-
Me: oh yeah! Yeah I play baseball so much


“Relax. It’s not a competition.”
“Right. That’s what I say.”
“But I said it first.”