@bestlizard

A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.

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@fro_vo

Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two

@Dirty_Naomi

I’m going to start rubbing myself up against people when they’ve got nice food. If it works for my cat, it’ll work for me.

@TurboJellyBean

Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”

@imalittleginger

Just stopped a monk from opening a flower shop.
Only YOU can prevent florist friars.

@Fred_Delicious

Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”

18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”

28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”

@iwearaonesie

wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!

@TheMichaelRock

I put a Samsung Galaxy Note 7 inside a Samsung washing machine and now I own a nuclear warhead.

@theekillerqueen

I’m gonna start using my cat’s ages like y’all do your kids.

5 just projectile vomited and 1 is trying to eat it off the floor.

@wildethingy

Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.