@bestlizard

A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.

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@Darlainky

My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.

@MarieColette

If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.

@RunOldMan

You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.

@bornmiserable

blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year

@wickedsuga

Everyone needs that one friend that will promise to redraw your chalk outline to make you look skinnier.

@Ludacrys414

I’d get lost less frequently if GPS would say “no, your other left.”

@decentbirthday

The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.

@BuckyIsotope

[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.

@Freak_N_Geeky

Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”

Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”

Him: “Wait, wh-?”

My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”

Me: “I know, right?”

@ericsshadow

STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.