Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
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I’m going to start rubbing myself up against people when they’ve got nice food. If it works for my cat, it’ll work for me.
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
Just stopped a monk from opening a flower shop.
Only YOU can prevent florist friars.
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
I put a Samsung Galaxy Note 7 inside a Samsung washing machine and now I own a nuclear warhead.
I’m gonna start using my cat’s ages like y’all do your kids.
5 just projectile vomited and 1 is trying to eat it off the floor.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.