A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
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My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.