A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
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walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
Did my cat write this
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.