a god among men
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Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.