My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
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I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍