A GoFundMe, so I can buy an avocado.

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When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”


What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave


me: i always get so hungry when i’m high, want some taco bell?

driving test instructor: no


me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go


Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again

-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target


me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first


I found three french fries inside my $1 McDouble.

Dream big, kids. Anything is possible.


My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.