@iamchrisscott

A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”

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@ElKnuckelhombre

Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.

@SamGrittner

POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”

@TheBoydP

No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.

Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…

@heymonroe

Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.

@TheTennisPhenom

hello 911, yeah me again. so listen 29 of my recent tweets have been stolen and.. hello? hello?

@Jeffwni

Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.

@Eden_Eats

Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.

@Tbone7219

I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.