A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”

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Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.


POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”


No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.

Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…


Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.


hello 911, yeah me again. so listen 29 of my recent tweets have been stolen and.. hello? hello?


Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.


Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.


I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.