A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
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Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
i dont have time for this