cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
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Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
What’s so funny?
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
Wake me when AI does housework