@zachreinert03

A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.

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@robfee

Here lies Aunt Brenda. Trampled to death on the day after Thanksgiving trying to save $18 on a crock pot. Rest in peace, sweet angel.

@KylePlantEmoji

A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”

@rickkondell

It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.

@queerly_it_is

keanu reeves calling carly rae jepsen the most talented musician he’s listened to in his lifetime is a huge complement when you remember that he’s been alive for several thousand years

@BoogTweets

[at the gym]

wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?

*shredded wheat walks by*

wheat: SONOFA

@RandiLawson

We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices

@hansabumsadaisy

Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.

#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

@truegritrumble

ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.

@OrvllShrednbchr

Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.