A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
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Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
😂 amazing answer
who named him groot and not spruce lee
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.