A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
![]()
You Might Also Like
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
![]()
also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies![]()
spicy snake
![]()
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
![]()
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
![]()
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*