@Dad_At_Law

A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.

You Might Also Like

@ryanchris

The Golden Globes is how everyone else on twitter gets revenge on sports fans.

@nise_shi

maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them

@not_delicate

Some people are dealing with real life crises right now and need your nudes now more than ever

@UnFitz

They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.

@JennnyJennn20

[married convo]

Her: Hey, babe…guess what?

Him: What?

Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.

Him: You need me to do laundry?

@Dwarven_Cleric

After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.

@sofarrsogud

WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.

WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—

Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide

@Elizasoul80

I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.

@ClassADude

Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.

Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!