A good listener always watches you speak, makes eye contact and never lets on he’s thinking about something else.

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[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”


Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?


Crush: what’s your zodiac sign?

*he’s not sure but he wanted to impress her so he said,

Guy: you first 🙂
Crush: I’m Cancer ☺ And you?

Guy: uhmmm… I’m…. Ulcer 🙄


If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated


If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…


I wanted to buy your kid a drum set for her birthday to annoy you but she hates drums.

So instead I bought her a haunted porcelain doll that gets up and plays the drums at 3am


Word find for ghosts:

O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o


My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.


We gave you Nickelback and Justin Bieber. You responded with the Kardashians and Honey Boo Boo. Well played America, well played


I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.