I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
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HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”