@realHamOnWry

A good listener always watches you speak, makes eye contact and never lets on he’s thinking about something else.

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@KeetPotato

[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”

@TravLeBlanc

Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?

@Ann_tookeen

Crush: what’s your zodiac sign?

*he’s not sure but he wanted to impress her so he said,

Guy: you first 🙂
Crush: I’m Cancer ☺ And you?

Guy: uhmmm… I’m…. Ulcer 🙄

@Cpin42

If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated

@BGH70

If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…

@JustDontBugMe

I wanted to buy your kid a drum set for her birthday to annoy you but she hates drums.

So instead I bought her a haunted porcelain doll that gets up and plays the drums at 3am

@scot7a

Word find for ghosts:

O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o

@sip_at_home_mom

My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.

@Steve_hamiltin

We gave you Nickelback and Justin Bieber. You responded with the Kardashians and Honey Boo Boo. Well played America, well played

@Lerky

I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.