A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
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911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
not holding the door for the person right behind you and letting it slam onto them: objectively inconsiderate and so easy to avoid
holding the door for someone who’s like 30 feet away: a blatant act of terrorism
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.