A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
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Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
Möther may I have a snäck
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
damn he’s good
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”