@kibblesmith

A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars

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@abradacabla

*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*

“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”

@Mehrwane

Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker

@MsFoxIfUrNasty

[housefly pilot training]

Instructor: You encounter a window! What do you do?
X: Test the same 3 spots for weakness?
I: Repeatedly! Good.

@daddydoubts

My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”

@philmann

Crabs can’t eat hotdogs because they just keep cutting them into tinier and tinier hotdogs.

@with_a_ph23

How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?

@noonanjo

Editor: “you wrote this weird, half the story is a single quote.”

Reporter: [long drag on a Marlboro] “Trust me.”

@SnarkyMommy78

No school, Day 1

7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!

8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*

@_sinistroll

WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey