*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
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You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
[housefly pilot training]
Instructor: You encounter a window! What do you do?
X: Test the same 3 spots for weakness?
I: Repeatedly! Good.
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
Crabs can’t eat hotdogs because they just keep cutting them into tinier and tinier hotdogs.
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
Editor: “you wrote this weird, half the story is a single quote.”
Reporter: [long drag on a Marlboro] “Trust me.”
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey