A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars

You Might Also Like


*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*

“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says who?”


Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker


[housefly pilot training]

Instructor: You encounter a window! What do you do?
X: Test the same 3 spots for weakness?
I: Repeatedly! Good.


My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”


Crabs can’t eat hotdogs because they just keep cutting them into tinier and tinier hotdogs.


How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?


Editor: “you wrote this weird, half the story is a single quote.”

Reporter: [long drag on a Marlboro] “Trust me.”


No school, Day 1

7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!

8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*


WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey