A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
You Might Also Like
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.