when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
A good rule of thumb is that if you see a headline saying something “breaks the laws of physics” the headline is wrong
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Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
ME, looking into the mirror: ugh. my eyebrows are out of control, I need to get them waxed.
HIM, placing a finger on the lips: shhh, you’re still perfect.
HIM: GOOD GOD GROUCHO MARX!!!
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
Was having a bad day so I tried the whole pulling up big girl panties thing.
She didn’t appreciate the wedgie but I did feel better after.
Things not too say before a 3some: Of Course we’re going to wait for your friend, she’s the hot one.
– We buried my mother-in-law yesterday.
– Sorry to hear that. When did she die?
– My guess would be sometime this morning.
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
My worst fear is seeing one of my tweets marked as “exhibit A”