A good rule of thumb is that if you see a headline saying something “breaks the laws of physics” the headline is wrong

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when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters


Me: *singing*

Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”

He was driving.


[Before Marriage]

ME, looking into the mirror: ugh. my eyebrows are out of control, I need to get them waxed.

HIM, placing a finger on the lips: shhh, you’re still perfect.

[After Marriage]



Doctor: You have bronchitis

Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?


Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.


Was having a bad day so I tried the whole pulling up big girl panties thing.
She didn’t appreciate the wedgie but I did feel better after.


Things not too say before a 3some: Of Course we’re going to wait for your friend, she’s the hot one.


– We buried my mother-in-law yesterday.
– Sorry to hear that. When did she die?
– My guess would be sometime this morning.


wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”