Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
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Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
being a writer on Twitter:
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
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8
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10
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90Me: Nailed it.
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
Childbirth is so beautiful
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself