Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
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There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism