Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
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Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.