[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
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Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER