A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
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I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
best review i’ve ever seen
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this