If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
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Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
Seas the day!!!!
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway