A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
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I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
Something Saturday.
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.